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Leah Bea

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September 23rd, 2010

02:00 am: So since the last time that i posted i am down a gallbladder, which they took out in August. The surgery wasn't bad, it was probably the gas left in my body after surgery that was the most painful part. (they fill you with gas so they have room to move around inside your body during the procedure) And I think i've recovered well for the most part.

These last few weeks have been strange. I feel like everything has changed so much in such a short amount of time. And everything is going to continue to change. Which is alright, it needs to happen. We needed to be reminded that nothing is forever. Though that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I know this is cryptic. But i'll explain another time.

Current Mood: sadsad

July 22nd, 2010

10:50 pm: No motivation, gallbladders and vicodin
I need to clean my room/the rest of the house. And i have no motivation to do so. Partly out of being lazy and partly from not feeling well.

Speaking of not feeling well. I was diagnosed with gallstones back in December/January and didn't really think anything of it. My doctor told me not to worry about them unless they started to cause problems. So i didn't. And then they started to bother me.

In the last couple months I've been having "gallbadder attacks". Which is basically when one of the gallstones gets stuck in the bile duct and causes more pain than should be humanly possible. They started happening only once every couple weeks. Then about once a week. Then a couple times a week. And now I'm starting to have them multiple times a day. Which is starting to get old real quick.

Today i had two of them and have been shaky and nauseous since the second "attack". And since the last one the pain hasn't been as severe as when i have an attack but has not subsided like it normally does. This obviously worried me so i called my doctor's office. The nurse i spoke to told me that if it got worse to go to the ER but that she would get me script for vicodin (which i've been eating like candy every 4 hours) and to come in at 8:30 tomorrow morning. She said at this appointment my doctor would examine me and decide from there whether i should be admitted to the hospital to have my gallbladder removed.

I have to say, i don't like the pain and would very much like for it all to stop but i am not very thrilled at the thought of possible surgery. =/

But we'll see what happens in the morning. Hopefully everything goes well.

Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: King of Anything- Sara Bareilles

July 16th, 2010

01:17 pm: It seems like a lifetime since i've posted. I'm fairly sure that no one uses their journals anymore... but i can't sleep. Been laying in bed for several hours now unable to drift off. So here i am.

Part of the not sleeping is probably due to the fact that i am more miserable right now then i have been in a long time. See i think the time that i stopped posting was when i went through a pretty ugly break up and that was two years ago... and probably the last time i felt like this. Completely lost.

I have plans. I have my shit together (for the most part). I am doing what i need to be doing but i feel like i'm going nowhere.

Who knows, maybe i am starting a new battle with insomnia. Wouldn't that been fun?!

I suppose i should probably go back to trying to sleep. I have to work tonight, so maybe i can force myself to sleep so i'm not too hateful while i'm there.

Goodnight all! Hopefully...

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: A Beautiful Mess- Jason Mraz

July 14th, 2007

05:00 am: please yourself first, everyone else should come second
I went to callahans tonight with Chealsey and didn't talk as much as i normally do. that's because i was listening to what chealsey had to say. especially about people judging one another. i am not a bad person. i don't tell people just what they want to hear. i tell them the truth. with the exception of one person lately. and the reason why: i don't want to rock the boat. i don't want to deal with the explosion after telling said person how i feel. because what is happening isn't right. telling people you are better than me and telling people that i don't deserve what i have isn't being my friend, that's being a bitch.

when chealsey asked me why i'm still friends with this person i couldn't give her an answer, not one... that makes any sense. because when it comes down to it i need to be honest with myself and with this "friend". that i tired of being talked about like i'm someone who is this horrible person. that i was only out for myself. that i didn't care about anyone else's feelings and i didn't think about what would happen to everyone else.

well i'm tired of being walked on top of, i'm tired of being a punching bag. i'm better than that and i am tired of being told i'm not good enough. i am good enough and i don't need to get permission or approval to be that woman. the woman i used to be, the woman i am, and the woman i'm becoming. because i want things for myself and i shouldn't let other people tell me no. fuck that. if i'm strong enough to start a new life across the country and do it on my own then i can do it here. i don't need your help. i'll do it alone again. and if that means that i'm leaving people behind then so be it. wave goodbye. don't expect a postcard.

Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: + by coldplay

April 7th, 2007

02:12 pm: Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

February 11th, 2007

04:43 am: today is 5 months that dan and i have been together. i know i'm corny and sappy and i should be shot.

tonight was fun, went over to bob and april's and got kinda buzzed. i have actually drank in a while. i didn't even get drunk on new years! the guys played video games and the girls played skip-bo. it sounds kinda boring now that i write it out but i had fun!

tomorrow is carrie and JR's wedding and i'm worried about it. Melody and the rest of the wedding party are having problems and i just hope it all works out. i really do hope the wedding goes well and i wish the bride and groom all the best.

well kids it's about that time for me to go to sleep so i'll post again sometime soon.


Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: my funny valentine- michael buble

January 3rd, 2007

11:05 pm: New hand, same damn cards......
So as many of you know i worked at a church camp in the summer of 2005. I recently applied to work there again this summer and today i found out that i won't be working there because of a review i got when i worked there last. The woman that gave the review hated me and therefore told them i was a bad person and shouldn't work at camp again. Thanks bitch!

So now the job i was kinda counting on for the summer isn't gonna happen and i don't quite know what to do since that was really the only place i wanted to work this summer. The guy that is in charge of hiring for the summercamp told me i should try to work at another camp this summer and if i get good recommendations there that he'll think about hiring me for next summer. Thanks for doing me the favor asshole!

Ya know it really hurts that he wouldn't give me the benifit of the doubt and hire me back and see for himself. I was a camper there for 13 years, he knows i'm a good person and he's known me a long time. But why trust that right? So naturally i'm crying because i'm really hurt and i now have no idea what i'm going to do this summer. And there is nothing to do but sit at my computer and cry and blog about it. Because i'm lame.

So see children, you may get new cards in the game of life but sadly my are always the same damn cards...

Current Mood: crushedemotionally wounded

June 8th, 2006

10:33 pm: I'm spinning in circles...
Today has been crazy. Nate's funeral, fighting with my dad, not seeing people all week.... and i just felt like crumpling up on the floor and crying. I still do actually but i won't because i have to be strong. I don't know why, it's just how i am. I don't understand myself... i really don't. Why do i feel like i have to be strong for everyone else when really people are trying to be strong for me and i won't take their help?! Because i'm a moron.

So after a week of not talking to "him" i decided to call. And guess what, no answer. Good job me! I finally have someone who is interested in starting a REAL relationship with me and i push him away. I'm a goddamned genius! I deserve to be alone the way i've treated this whole thing. I guess the reason i keep pushing him away is because i'm not ready for what he wants. I don't want to get serious and end up married in a year. I'm only 19 for God's sake. And i don't want a kid! Not that i don't love his son, but he didn't come from my uterus i don't want to be responsible for him... i know it's selfish and stupid.

I just tried to call again and he's not answering. Forget it, i probably ruined it.


Current Location: Hellkart
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: the washing machine song in my head

June 2nd, 2006

08:09 pm: I sit here waiting for his phone call wondering if i'm interested in him because of the convienance or if i truely have feelings for him. Sadly i think it's the former. I have no idea what to do...

Current Mood: confusedconfused

May 25th, 2006

07:04 pm: blahdiddy blah blah blah
I know it's been a million years since i've updated but thats life. I've been working like a fiend so i have no time for anything else.

My allergies are making me all stuffy, fuckin rain! I'll beat whoever made it rain.... for real.

So this really is the most useless entry i've ever made, thanks for reading!

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: boredTired of waiting
Current Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers- Dani California
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